Contractual or Covenant?
In keeping with the theme of self-satisfaction, it seems there are two distinct approaches to marriage: the What's in it for me? approach and the What's in it for us? approach. Bruce H. Hafen more eloquently categorizes these as contractual marriage (the world's way) vs. covenant marriage (God's way). Let's dive a little deeper into these topics and discuss ways we can foster marriage without getting sucked into the world's approach to it.
Bruce H. Hafen, in his 1996 General Conference address, "Covenant Marriage" said the following: "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to the covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."
The world tells you to get a prenuptial agreement before entering a marriage just to eliminate the financial or legal mess if and when things go south. Cohabitation is even encouraged before marriage to test the waters - or eliminate the need for marriage altogether! God, on the other hand, does not give us such an easy out, and that is because marriage is not viewed as a casual, potentially temporary commitment. Even civil marriage is serious in His eyes, but when the sealing ordinance has taken place it cannot be easily broken. The Family Proclamation tells us that husband and wife "have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other..." This doesn't only apply when life is rainbows and sunshine. It applies in the monotonous everyday moments. It applies when stress levels are high. It applies when illness strikes. It applies when unkind words slip or thoughtless actions occur.
C.S. Lewis said this: "Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit. ... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. ... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
Abiding by our marital covenants may at first seem easy-peasy because we're so blissfully in love. But in time, that love shifts from "the explosion that started it" to, hopefully, a deeper, enduring love and friendship. This is where one's will comes into play and, likewise, where a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage may split off in terms of end result. The shift from blissful to enduring doesn't just happen organically. It takes conscious, deliberate effort - one's will - to foster a healthy marriage. For a contractual marriage, in many cases, this may be where things end.
My husband and I celebrate our seventeenth wedding anniversary on Wednesday. While a bit embarrassed by my then naive and immature perspective, and while I had plenty to learn as I entered this new stage of life, I can confidently say that divorce was NEVER in my vocabulary. Marriage was not easy that first year and has continued to reveal challenges ever since. That's just part of it! But we've made it without even bringing up the D-word. When you don't allow it to be an option, you hold yourself to a higher standard by forcing yourself to find better solutions. That is how a covenant marriage works. My husband and I are not perfect, but we are making it because we have had the will to work through the disagreements, misunderstandings, and annoyances. Our marriage is imperfect but I never feel it is in danger because we take our covenants seriously.
So how can we adequately foster our marriages? BYU Professor, F. Burton Howard suggests this: "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."
The things in life that require the most work are often worth the most in value, marriage being at the forefront of this concept. As we attend the temple to be reminded of the covenants we've made and the tender words spoken in the sealing ceremony, we can come to better understand the significance and privilege behind these holy covenants and the sacred union of marriage.
Bruce H. Hafen, in his 1996 General Conference address, "Covenant Marriage" said the following: "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to the covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."
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| Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/117023290304061939/ |
C.S. Lewis said this: "Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit. ... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. ... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
Abiding by our marital covenants may at first seem easy-peasy because we're so blissfully in love. But in time, that love shifts from "the explosion that started it" to, hopefully, a deeper, enduring love and friendship. This is where one's will comes into play and, likewise, where a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage may split off in terms of end result. The shift from blissful to enduring doesn't just happen organically. It takes conscious, deliberate effort - one's will - to foster a healthy marriage. For a contractual marriage, in many cases, this may be where things end.
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| 28 August 2002 - Salt Lake Temple |
So how can we adequately foster our marriages? BYU Professor, F. Burton Howard suggests this: "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."
The things in life that require the most work are often worth the most in value, marriage being at the forefront of this concept. As we attend the temple to be reminded of the covenants we've made and the tender words spoken in the sealing ceremony, we can come to better understand the significance and privilege behind these holy covenants and the sacred union of marriage.
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